Catch up on the first three parts here:
Let’s Talk About Suffering (introduction)
3 Things To Know About Suffering
3 Benefits of Suffering
For every person who has supported and loved me well in my years of being chronically ill, there have been others that I’ve felt shamed or judged by. I’ve had to sort through a lot of pain over the years that should never have existed in the first place. Sometimes the emotional damage hurt worse than the physical pain in my actual bones. I’m sure that many of those experiences stemmed from ignorance and were without malicious intent, because I am well aware that I too have hurt others unintentionally with my words or actions when they were going through things I didn’t understand.
Though we may still blunder because we’re human, choosing an attitude of care and concern for someone who is suffering over one of judgement and “fix-it” is the most reliable way to minimize collateral damage for someone in a hard season. Below are some practical ways to care for someone who is suffering:
1. Pray consistently for those you know who are suffering, even if you yourself are also suffering.
Prayer is the one thing that anyone can do, anytime. For years I grossly underestimated the value of prayer, because I was doing just fine by myself. It wasn’t until my circumstances were wholly out of my control that I started to realize how dependent we truly are on God.
In the current crisis happening in my family, there have been so many times we have had no. idea. what. to. do. and all we could do was pray and ask others to pray. And when there was absolutely no logical way forward, God provided. Sometimes it was just enough, sometimes it felt like not enough at all, but God still provided. Prayer very much mattered.
“I’ll be praying for you” is only a cop-out of you say it and don’t do it. If you say it and do it, it’s possibly the most important and most powerful thing you can do for someone who is suffering.
If you don’t “get” prayer or you need some revitalization in that area, check out this post and the resources in the middle section.
2. Intentionally seek to grow in empathy and understanding.
During a hard season, I was sharing with a friend on a voice message some things I was struggling with and how much it was affecting me emotionally and spiritually. In her voice message reply, she cried for me. She couldn’t change anything about my circumstance, but she literally felt my pain enough to make her cry. And that told me that my pain was real, it mattered, and she cared that I was hurting. In that moment, I felt seen, known, and loved.
Being cried for is a gift.
In Romans 12, under the heading “A Living Sacrifice”, Paul gives us guidelines for how we can offer our lives as living sacrifices to the Lord. Tucked in the middle of the passage is verse 15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” I think too often we skip the mourning part and cut straight to the rejoicing. Sitting with someone in pain is uncomfortable and feels unstable, so we rush the process. We slap a “God has a plan” bandaid on their arterial bleed and rush back to the solid ground of positivity. One thing Job’s friends got right was just being with him before offering any advice or explanations.
While it’s true that experiencing suffering is one of the fastest ways to cultivate empathy, empathy can also be developed in “easy” seasons if we intentionally slow down and take a genuine interest in someone who’s in a tough place.
Listen well.
Ask thoughtful questions.
Ask what it’s like.
Ask how they’re feeling.
Believe them even if you don’t understand it.
Don’t jump in with fixes.
Don’t jump in with pithy sayings.
Seeking to understand and just being with them in the mess is a gift to a sufferer.
3. Reach out consistently. Do practical things to help.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this cycle in my life and in other’s lives:
Something happens → the community overwhelmingly supports for a week or two, maybe a month → slowly, people stop helping, texting, even remembering that the people in crisis are barely staying afloat → a year later, maybe it’s down to one or two friends who check in regularly. The weight of the struggle is still the same, but instead of many hands carrying it, it becomes heavy in few hands.
When something is not our lived experience, we tend to forget quickly how hard something can be and how long it can last. The chronic illness community was, in a weird way, grateful for COVID because a larger collection of people finally understood that not every illness goes away in a week. Like longhaul covid, a lot of suffering is also for the long haul. Health issues, mental health issues, family fractures, financial difficulties, grief after loss, after effects of trauma- so many things last far longer than a few weeks. Intentionally and consistently checking in is so meaningful to people in seasons of suffering, because it reminds them they are not alone.
You may say you’re just not good at remembering things. Guess what, you don’t have to be good at it! Our modern world has made reminders as simple as “hey Siri”. Set an alarm or a calendar reminder for a friend you know in a longhaul situation to repeat weekly and prompt you to pause for a minute to pray for them. Maybe shoot them a quick text to let them know you prayed for them. And if you have an hour or two to spare, ask them if you can bring dinner or drop off groceries, or if they’d like to grab coffee and chat or take a walk. It means so much to be remembered. Nobody cares that you had to set an alarm to remember, they just care that you did remember.
A few tips for practical help…
Practical help is going to look differently in every situation. Asking someone what is most helpful is always a good idea, but if they are very overwhelmed they may have no idea what is actually helpful.
Basic things like bringing a meal, meeting up for coffee or a walk, dropping off groceries or something fun (flowers, a treat, a puzzle, etc) can work for so many situations.
A great way to help without overwhelming someone is to offer two specific things that you know you have the time and capacity for and letting them choose which one is most helpful for them.
And lastly, I get it. We all have a lot on our plates and our own challenges and areas of suffering! If you don’t have the capacity to offer physical help in your own season of life, don’t underestimate the power of an “I’m praying for you text” (accompanied by actually praying) or a “how are you doing” text!
Up Next:
3 DO’s and DON’Ts for Suffering
Resources for Suffering
Thank you, Moriah, for this honest and helpful post. May you receive as much support and encouragement as you need. Take care.