Catch up on the first four parts here:
Let’s Talk About Suffering (introduction)
3 Things To Know About Suffering
3 Benefits of Suffering
3 Ways to Bear With Others Who Are Suffering
1. A DO and a DON’T when caring for someone who is experiencing suffering
DO: Follow through on your offers of help.
If you’ve offered help to someone in a hard place, do your absolute best to not flake on them. Most of the time, someone who is really struggling probably had to work really hard to accept your offer of help, and they probably really needed it. The biblical principle of letting your yes be yes and your no be no applies here. Wait to say “let me know what I can do to help” until you actually mean it.
DON’T: Bypass lament with spiritual platitudes.
Church culture often has a problem with pain. I mean, nobody likes pain, I get it. But everyone is going to experience it at one point or another, it’s a fact of life in a fallen world. So pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t going to make it go away, it’s only going to make the hurting person feel ignored or dismissed. It is always good to be reminded of the gospel, but don’t rush in with that. Start with allowing someone’s pain to be expressed and validated.
2. A DO and a DON’T for someone who is experiencing suffering
DO: Accept help offered.
If you are suffering, there might be many reasons you refuse offers of help. You feel like you “shouldn’t” need it, or people have let you down before so it’s easier to not accept or ask and avoid potential disappointment, or you don’t really know what you need. But if someone offers help, do accept if at all possible. Not only might it actually be helpful to you, but you’re allowing them an opportunity to serve and to grow their empathy muscles.
DON’T: Stop reaching out to others.
Suffering can feel entirely all-consuming. And sometimes, we truly can’t bear the weight of someone else’s problems in an intimate way. But sometimes the thing we need most is to be reminded that we’re not the only ones struggling. Even when it is hard, do a small thing to connect yourself with life outside your bubble. Text a friend and ask how you can pray for them that week, or if you’re feeling extra plucky call them instead.
3. A DO and a DON’T for everyone
DO: Be slow to take offense.
Life is fraught with misunderstanding. We read a tone into a text that the person sending did not have, we think and reason differently than someone else so their thing doesn’t make sense, we respond differently than someone was hoping we would. Don’t take instant offense at things in gray areas, and try to assume the best of someone until you have concrete evidence to the contrary.
DON’T: Compare suffering “levels”.
Sometimes it’s so easy to look at someone else’s suffering and put air quotes on it. That’s not really “suffering!” They should try mine on for size and see how they like THAT! Or, sometimes it goes the other direction, and someone will say to someone struggling “Well so and so had (something quantitatively worse) happen so be glad you just have to deal with X!”
Neither of these things are helpful. Seasoned sufferers may be able to “take” more, but that doesn’t mean the supposedly lesser suffering is actually less painful for the person experiencing it.
Up Next:
Resources for Suffering
Thanks for the great reminders! Your posts are very practical.